4 Things King Solomon Said to Women that You Shouldn't (As Read by Ryan Gosling)

Song of Songs is a beautiful book of the Bible that tells the story of two lovers. Many interpret the book to be King Solomon's collection of love poems. As a Christian, I believe that it also doubles as an allegory of Christ's love for the church.

It is filled with beautiful lines such as 

"How beautiful you are, my darling!
   Oh, how beautiful!
   Your eyes are doves." (4:1)

But Solomon also gives some compliments that I would not repeat to a woman nowadays. Here a few, as read by....

Ryan Gosling. 

1.

Here's an image of a flock of goats...

"How beautiful you are, my darling!

    Oh, how beautiful!

    Your eyes behind your veil are doves.

Your hair is like a flock of goats

    descending from the hills of Gilead." (Song of Songs 4:1)

2.

Here is a half shorn sheep...

"Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,

    coming up from the washing.

Each has its twin;

    not one of them is alone." (Song of Songs 4:2)

3. 

Here are some options that came up when I Googled "tower of Lebanon"

this:

or this:

Your neck is like an ivory tower.

Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon

    by the gate of Bath Rabbim.

Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon

    looking toward Damascus. (Song of Songs 7:4)

4.

Here is a mound of wheat...

"Your navel is a rounded goblet

    that never lacks blended wine.

Your waist is a mound of wheat

    encircled by lilies." (Song of Songs 7:2)

Song of Songs truly is a wonderful book that contains beautiful poetry about love. But next time you think to liken your beloved to a mound of wheat or a flock of goats....don't. It worked for Solomon but it certainly won't work for you. 

4 Easy Ways To Impress Women

Based on my last post about how to ask girls out, I feel pretty qualified to tell you how to impress women.

1. Shove Carrots Up Your Nose

So when you're in 4th grade, this is the best method for getting all the ladies. Because, evolutionarily speaking, a male who can shove carrots up his nose and then...consume said carrots...is just biologically a more suitable match. I mean...SCIENCE.
(Let the reader note that this is not real science).

2. Kiss Random Objects

If you're in 1st grade, the best way to show that you're the cool guy (who deserves to be with all the cool ladies), you should kiss things like tables and walls. Not girls. That would be stupid.
I mean, what girl is going to kiss you if you don't show off your kissing skills on tables and walls first?

3. Flex When You Pick Up Your Backpack

Let's be real. Backpacks can get pretty heavy, especially in high school. So what's the best way to show women that you've got great big cool guy muscles? Take a little extra time when you're picking up that back pack to show off the old biceps.

Except if the backpack is too heavy. Make sure it's not too heavy to lift.

4. Tell Her She Has "Nice Horselegs"

I got the idea for this stellar compliment back in elementary school. I was looking at a yearbook and there was a picture of a girl kicking a soccer ball, kind of like my girl Hope Solo here.

I was like: man--look at those defined legs. They remind me of...

horsebreedsinfo.org

I mean...that makes sense right?

So why wouldn't a girl want to hear that her legs resemble those of a horse? So I told a high school friend of mine, "You know what? You've got nice legs....They're like...horse legs." I thought it went over pretty well. Turns out, girls don't ever get offended when you compare them to an animal that weighs 1000 pounds. 

So there you have it! These are all tried and true methods sure to impress women. 

TRY THEM NOW. 

Be Weird. Be You.

Facebook friends--you've heard this story. But bear with me.

A few weeks ago I encountered a young man with a backpack. But this was no ordinary backpack. Nay. This pack belonged on no back. This was a rolly backpack.

As soon as I saw this guy (a different guy than Mr. Smooth pictured above), I started making fun of him in my head. I mean, after all this is college. And he looked like a dork. But then I realized something.

THIS MAN WAS WINNING. 

How? Well if he doesn't give a crap if his backpack choice isn't "cool"....then who gives a crap? He'll probably end up with a less jacked-up back than me. 

We're all so afraid of being weird. But when we get down to it, we're all pretty stinkin' strange. Me for example...

When I was a kid a had a baton (it used to belong to my mom). I used to love to twirl it. But under specific circumstances. This was my process:

1. Set up the boombox in the living room

2. Make sure I wasn't wearing a shirt

3. Play some bumpin Christian music

4. Spin around in circles, twirling that baton like there was no tomorrow

I remember doing this while my grandparents were over one time. Like right after dinner. I can only image my Dad sitting in his chair, looking at my performance and thinking,

"It's gonna be a long few years....Honey, we signed him up for sports, right?"

I was a weird little kid. But we all were. And do you remember how awesome being a kid was? 

At some point we got the idea that we had to be "cool". When did that happen? Middle school probably. And how do you remember middle school?

Yeah it sucked. 

So maybe we should all just chill out and accept the fact that we're all weird. And we all need to stop trying so hard. 

Maybe you lose some friends because you actually start being you. But you know what? They should have never been you friends in the first place. They're probably jerks anyway. And then something sweet might happen: you gain true friends who appreciate you for you.

So grab that rolly backpack. Stay in those sweat pants all day. Dress up as a superhero. Maybe actually speak your mind for once. Pick up that shiny, awesome baton...and be weird; be you. 

Because...

4 Ways to Ask a Girl Out

Want to know how to ask a girl out? Looking for advice? Look to none other than me. My dating life has been...

1. Tell her "ur hot" 

When I was in 4th grade I had a crush on a girl. Not knowing the best way to express that feeling, I turned to my school's messaging system (it was called Pegasus Mail in case you were wondering). Taking the advice of my best friend (also a 4th grader), I sent her the message "ur hot". She was so swept off her feet that she couldn't even respond. She left the school later that year. Probably because she was so swept of her feet and stuff. 

2. Ask Her Out And Immediately Say "Just Kidding"

Time to take a brief lesson from my 6th grade self. I liked this girl and figured I would ask her out to the school dance. I finally worked up my courage and did just that. Except when she paused for like 2 seconds after I asked her, my natural response was to say "JUST KIDDING!" and then run away. Did she later go to the school dance with me? Yes, but only after I said that I was "just kidding" about the whole "JUST KIDDING" thing. So all in all, I think I played it pretty smooth. 

3. Have a Friend Do It for You

Nothing inspires confidence in a woman like you asking her out in a roundabout, indirect way. However, if you're in 5th grade, this is a total player-move. But if you do choose this method, be ready for her to break up with you in a folded up note. That she left in your locker. And then she told your best friend Tyler that she left a note in your locker and you got really excited because you thought it was probably a love letter but instead it was a break up letter. But it's ok because it still smelled like her. 

4. Send a Creepy Facebook Message When You're 21

Tired of all these stories from my childhood? Ready for the big-boy way to do things? Take notes gentlemen. 

Let's say you had a crush on that cute girl in your class a couple semesters ago. Well, if you pass her in the hall and she says "Hi" and then keeps walking away, she's definitely in to you. So, what you need to do is look her up on Facebook, friend request her and then an hour after she accepts your request (remember, let an hour pass so you don't seem creepy), go ahead and message her and ask her out. It's ok if you're 21 years old. Just look at me. I used this method just a few weeks ago and she was so taken by the message that she's still trying to think of the best way to say "yes". I mean it's been 3 weeks so I'm thinking she's coming up with something really cool.