4 Easy Ways To Impress Women

Based on my last post about how to ask girls out, I feel pretty qualified to tell you how to impress women.

1. Shove Carrots Up Your Nose

So when you're in 4th grade, this is the best method for getting all the ladies. Because, evolutionarily speaking, a male who can shove carrots up his nose and then...consume said carrots...is just biologically a more suitable match. I mean...SCIENCE.
(Let the reader note that this is not real science).

2. Kiss Random Objects

If you're in 1st grade, the best way to show that you're the cool guy (who deserves to be with all the cool ladies), you should kiss things like tables and walls. Not girls. That would be stupid.
I mean, what girl is going to kiss you if you don't show off your kissing skills on tables and walls first?

3. Flex When You Pick Up Your Backpack

Let's be real. Backpacks can get pretty heavy, especially in high school. So what's the best way to show women that you've got great big cool guy muscles? Take a little extra time when you're picking up that back pack to show off the old biceps.

Except if the backpack is too heavy. Make sure it's not too heavy to lift.

4. Tell Her She Has "Nice Horselegs"

I got the idea for this stellar compliment back in elementary school. I was looking at a yearbook and there was a picture of a girl kicking a soccer ball, kind of like my girl Hope Solo here.

I was like: man--look at those defined legs. They remind me of...

horsebreedsinfo.org

I mean...that makes sense right?

So why wouldn't a girl want to hear that her legs resemble those of a horse? So I told a high school friend of mine, "You know what? You've got nice legs....They're like...horse legs." I thought it went over pretty well. Turns out, girls don't ever get offended when you compare them to an animal that weighs 1000 pounds. 

So there you have it! These are all tried and true methods sure to impress women. 

TRY THEM NOW. 

Be Weird. Be You.

Facebook friends--you've heard this story. But bear with me.

A few weeks ago I encountered a young man with a backpack. But this was no ordinary backpack. Nay. This pack belonged on no back. This was a rolly backpack.

As soon as I saw this guy (a different guy than Mr. Smooth pictured above), I started making fun of him in my head. I mean, after all this is college. And he looked like a dork. But then I realized something.

THIS MAN WAS WINNING. 

How? Well if he doesn't give a crap if his backpack choice isn't "cool"....then who gives a crap? He'll probably end up with a less jacked-up back than me. 

We're all so afraid of being weird. But when we get down to it, we're all pretty stinkin' strange. Me for example...

When I was a kid a had a baton (it used to belong to my mom). I used to love to twirl it. But under specific circumstances. This was my process:

1. Set up the boombox in the living room

2. Make sure I wasn't wearing a shirt

3. Play some bumpin Christian music

4. Spin around in circles, twirling that baton like there was no tomorrow

I remember doing this while my grandparents were over one time. Like right after dinner. I can only image my Dad sitting in his chair, looking at my performance and thinking,

"It's gonna be a long few years....Honey, we signed him up for sports, right?"

I was a weird little kid. But we all were. And do you remember how awesome being a kid was? 

At some point we got the idea that we had to be "cool". When did that happen? Middle school probably. And how do you remember middle school?

Yeah it sucked. 

So maybe we should all just chill out and accept the fact that we're all weird. And we all need to stop trying so hard. 

Maybe you lose some friends because you actually start being you. But you know what? They should have never been you friends in the first place. They're probably jerks anyway. And then something sweet might happen: you gain true friends who appreciate you for you.

So grab that rolly backpack. Stay in those sweat pants all day. Dress up as a superhero. Maybe actually speak your mind for once. Pick up that shiny, awesome baton...and be weird; be you. 

Because...